Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Quick Cool Stuff: Squirrels

I'm a rat!

Squirrels. We’ve all seen them – those fuzzy little rats with big poofy tails. They scamper around our trees lovingly hurling nuts and tree branches at our heads. Nature’s Hugh Grant, they can do no wrong. I went ahead and compiled some facts about our hairy companions, and it should answer all the burning questions you have – and maybe even whet your thought appetite.

  • Squirrels are the most active in late winter (‘cause that’s when all the bitches and ho’s come out…really, go look it up).

  • A female squirrel will choose the strongest male during mating season (see above), but, just like BeyoncĂ©, is unlikely to breed with that male again…"never get to thinking you're irreplaceable."

  • Squirrels die for a variety of reasons, usually a natural death occurs while the squirrel is hiding or in its nest. The body may by removed by a predator, or it may simply decay before it is found. An unnatural death occurs whenever Joojubba, the Squirrel goddess, recalls her one of her minions.

    Ready to serve you, my Queen


  • “During winter storms, or severe cold, the squirrel may not leave the nest for days. But, the tree squirrel does not hibernate!” (Oh snap!)

  • “Gray squirrels come in many colors.” – a stubborn scientist

  • Baby squirrels are born in the spring, without fur. They're blind, and weigh in at one or two ounces each. There are usually four in a liter. The mother will keep the young in the nest and nurse them until they're ready to venture out of the nest, on their own. This is usually in eight to ten weeks. You may see a mother squirrel move her babies, she will carry them by mouth, one at a time (this one was just cool).

For more squirrelly info check out these links (where I got this stuff):
Squirrels.org
Wikipedia

-Ryan

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

How To Spot a Creep (or how to tell if you are one)

Girls know what I’m talking about – you’re invited to your friend’s house one night, they’re having some new people over that they want you to meet. You arrive and are greeted by a couple: Jeff and Julie. You smile politely and extend your hand upon introduction. Julie is friendly and smiles back at you and then returns to the conversation she was having with the hostess. Jeff’s handshake lingers a little too long however and his eyes fall a little lower than your mouth when you are speaking your name. You have encountered a creep.

Creeps are everywhere and for single women, taken women, married women, lesbian women, and any other kind of woman there is, it’s all the same. We are never safe from their oogling eyes, their snickering, creepy laughs and their shameless excuses to put their hands on the smalls of our backs.

Recently I met a creep who, in front of his wife, made several comments about other women’s breasts and what it must be like to sleep with them (the women, not the breasts…though I’m sure if he’d thought of it, it would’ve been both). He then saw me pretend to eat a lollipop as part of a board game we were playing and heartily exclaimed “I know I just met you but I’m definitely going to be saving that image for later, if you know what I mean!” Ryan stared him down but it was too late, the creepiness had permeated the atmosphere.

Creeps. The guys who slither up aside you when you’re dancing in the club. The men who find excuses to trap you alone in a room to talk to you about their new computer/job/real estate deal/car when in reality you both know that he just wants to breath on you and check out your ass as you reach into the fridge to get out a beer. Guys who make uncomfortable sexual comments amidst regular conversation and grin at you afterwards, as if you’re somehow supposed to think it’s funny or cute or god knows what else.

I have encountered Creeps of all status, ages and social situations. A creep doesn’t care if he is making you or everyone else uncomfortable – he wants to feel out the situation, he wants to crack “jokes” with implicating eyes and a hint of seriousness that literally makes you want to run from the room (or hop into the shower). Creeps stand too close and breathe too heavily. They touch you too much or at least have the vibe that there is “meaning” behind it when they place their hand on your arm as they move by you in a crowd.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do not assume that any man who talks to me, who makes a joke or who allows his eyes to wander a bit is a creep – this is not a blanket statement, not all guys who have a sense of humor or who touch me are creepy. There is quite a difference between a man who is flirtatious and one who is a creep. Creeps have a deep, sneaky and shady intent. When around them, you feel as if they are plotting something, they’re not really participating in conversations and every exchange seems as if it is somehow on a checklist of creepiness towards reaching some nauseating ultimate goal (undoubtedly a disturbing sexual fantasy involving mice and parkas (seriously this is the vibe you get from them)).



his eyes pretty much sum up "the look"


So men, if you are doing things with a seedy intent, don’t fool yourselves – we know. Knock the dark, underhanded thoughts from your mind, stop trying to glance down my shirt or reach over to pluck a piece of invisible lint off of my sweater. Excuse yourself, take care of your problem and join the realm of normalcy where you don’t cause a creepy shudder to trickle down the spine of all the women present every time you step into the room.

Kthxbye.

♥ Rhian

Whale-a-phobia: the Rational Fear

Feeeeeed me...PEOPLE!


Whales are fucking scary as shit – and I’m not talking about those obvious “Killer” Whales either. Sperm Whales, Whale Sharks, Blue Whales – they’re all dangerous. You ever seen a blue whale? You ever see a blue whale with your face? Those dudes are huge! A baby blue whale is at least a mile long when it’s in the womb. Go ahead and try to tell me that if you woke up and a slimy leviathan was in your bed you wouldn’t have a heart attack. Try and call the SPCA. You know what they’re going to tell you? “Oh my god, get the f out of your bed!”

Whales will mess you up without even blinking. If you disagree, you’ve clearly never been victim of a whale-crime. From tail-slapping, swim-by blow-holing, and supporting Republicans, whales are nothing but enormous menaces. Obviously, then, the question becomes, how do we protect ourselves against these ludicrously large demon-beasts of the depths?

Solution #1: Resurrect Andre the Giant
It’s a well-known fact that Andre the Giant was the largest land mammal of his time. Maybe a whale could recover from a standard elbow drop. It’s even possible that Andre would need to use the tombstone piledriver more than once. But there’s no way a whale could withstand Zombie-Andre’s double underhook suplex. I mean, come on. The only problem with this idea is I don’t own the copyrights to the Necronomicon.

Solution #2: Large Logs
If Battle Beasts taught me anything when I was 3 years old, it’s that Fire beats Wood, Water beats Fire, and lo and behold - Wood beats Water. Ding-ding boys and girls, I think we have a winner. The toughest part would be of course transporting the huge logs. I suppose we could always get Zombie-Andre the Giant to do that, but that’s like using a kryptonite robot to shoot Superman with a gun.

Solution #3: Martian Space Colony
If all else fails, there’s really only one weakness that remains in our underwater nemeses. Whales breathe oxygen. This means they can’t swim in outer space. While they may be able to reach the stratosphere, they’ll be so out of breathe by the time they hit the moon that there’s no chance of making it to Mars. Space whales, of course, are the lone exception to this rule.

Whales...from space!
They're watching us


Hopefully this has been an informational Public Service Announcement. I know I learned a lot. It can’t compete with the usefulness of So, You Have Face-Syphilis Again but then, what PSA can?

-Ryan

Monday, January 29, 2007

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

An Idiot's Guide to Being a Genius

We’ve all been there. It’s late on a Saturday night, you’re drunk, and you’ve just had the BEST idea ever! Whether it is taking off your clothes in zero-degree weather, riding atop a car at 35 mph, or even just some good old-fashioned tree climbing, you think you’re so smart! We’re all aware of the consequences that ultimately occur because of our stupidness, and for a large majority, these ideas don’t even involve any alcohol. In the aftermath, however, you find yourself saying “but it seemed like such a good idea.” And right here we have identified your precise problem: you are a moron.

Classic Signs you’re a moron:

You classify yourself as “indie.” You smartasses do realize that independent only has one “I” in it, right? Nice abbreviation, genius. By the way, you can’t all be independent. Basically what happened was you didn’t do laundry one day so you decided to open up that hope-chest of your mom’s and put on a cardigan. Nice work.

You wear socks with your sandals. This isn’t a big one right now, because it’s winter time, but you closet sock and sandal people know who you are. Real smart idea, buddy – if your feet are that cold, just wear shoes. Are you going to the beach in that amazingly fashionable footwear? Fear not, the socks are removable!

You think that movie quotes can take place of actual conversation answers. ...another telltale sign of the pseudo-genius. Movie quotes do not count as responses to a question, nor can they be used to comment on a situation. If you’re quoting a movie, I’ve got another newsflash for you: You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else...

Unlike a rubix cube, there is a solution to this problem of being a moron – become a genius. Much like any idiot, a true genius is easy to spot.

The marks of a true genius:

Monocle: A real genius is so smart that they don’t have time to look at things with both eyes. I’ve got my seein’ eye, and my readin’ eye. Looking at one thing with two eyes is a waste of my genius-time.

That's a hot monocle


Top Hat: Top “Hat” is the laymen’s term. It’s actually a brain warming and housing device. A moron’s head is much colder and functions so much slower. Case and point: Ice Fishing. The lake is frozen. The fish are dead. What are you doing?

Free Parking, gimme my $15


Cane: Once again, geniuses are leagues beyond the normal-folk. How many steps did you take today? I bet your legs are killing you. You think you’re so smart? Then how come you’re walking around on both legs like a sucker, instead of three legs like a master?

The three part episode where they hunt for the gold all over the world is the best one



It seems simple enough, but then again, most things to morons seem simple. Trust me, get yourself a those three things and you’ll be well on your way. I’ll even tip my hat off to you.

-Ryan


Saturday, January 20, 2007

First and Foremost

Fade In

Bucks County Coffee Company – INT. Day

A girl and a guy sit chatting at a table in a crowded coffee shop in Philadelphia.

GIRL
Yeah and then he put on his pirate costume and opened the window and said he was going to jump out of it – two stories up!

GUY
Are you fuckin’ kidding me?

GIRL
Nope, because then he opened the window and he fucking did jump out of it! It was awesome!

GUY
(laughs in amazement)
Are you serious???

At the next table over, two good friends are sitting by the window each drinking a steaming coffee.

FRIEND ONE
So things just keep getting weirder and weirder

FRIEND TWO
Why does that not surprise me?

FRIEND ONE
Not only did I get bit by a dog in the middle of the sidewalk outside that bar, then my bosses didn’t pay me what they said they would and then I got home and my exboyfriend called and said he was getting married tomorrow morning

FRIEND TWO
Are you serious???

A guy is animatedly telling a story to his friend on his way out the door

GUY
Yea, so we’re both asleep after getting it on, she’s wearing only a tank top, I’m naked and then all the sudden her best friend and like five other people walk into her room out of nowhere

FRIEND
Haha no way dude

GUY
Yeah, for real. No one is even supposed to know we’re hooking up though! I panicked and threw a blanket over my head.

FRIEND
Haha smooth

GUY
Yeah well I don’t think they realized it, some guy stood there talking to her for like five minutes

FRIEND
Are you serious???

Rhian and Ryan look at each other as they approach the counter after making their way through the shop.

SIMULTANEOUS
I can’t believe this is really life.


But this is real life, my friends. Documented, unfiltered, unabashed, and with nothing held back. We come to these virtual pages with the intention to record and set down our experiences exactly as they happen, exactly as we perceive them and exactly how we live them.

Our hopes in writing this blog are simply to capture the trials, perceptions, mishaps and misjudgments of life as we lead it. We are just two regular twenty-somethings, living in Philadelphia and hoping to somehow figure out how to make it. We have virtually nothing that’s our own, we’re poor, we’re confused, we’re in debt and we’re in love with life (and each other…most of the time).

So welcome to “Are you serious!? I can’t believe this is really life.” And truthfully, we can’t believe it either.

- R&R