Whale-a-phobia: the Rational Fear

Whales are fucking scary as shit – and I’m not talking about those obvious “Killer” Whales either. Sperm Whales, Whale Sharks, Blue Whales – they’re all dangerous. You ever seen a blue whale? You ever see a blue whale with your face? Those dudes are huge! A baby blue whale is at least a mile long when it’s in the womb. Go ahead and try to tell me that if you woke up and a slimy leviathan was in your bed you wouldn’t have a heart attack. Try and call the SPCA. You know what they’re going to tell you? “Oh my god, get the f out of your bed!”

Whales will mess you up without even blinking. If you disagree, you’ve clearly never been victim of a whale-crime. From tail-slapping, swim-by blow-holing, and supporting Republicans, whales are nothing but enormous menaces. Obviously, then, the question becomes, how do we protect ourselves against these ludicrously large demon-beasts of the depths?

Solution #1: Resurrect Andre the Giant
It’s a well-known fact that Andre the Giant was the largest land mammal of his time. Maybe a whale could recover from a standard elbow drop. It’s even possible that Andre would need to use the tombstone piledriver more than once. But there’s no way a whale could withstand Zombie-Andre’s double underhook suplex. I mean, come on. The only problem with this idea is I don’t own the copyrights to the Necronomicon.

Solution #2: Large Logs
If Battle Beasts taught me anything when I was 3 years old, it’s that Fire beats Wood, Water beats Fire, and lo and behold - Wood beats Water. Ding-ding boys and girls, I think we have a winner. The toughest part would be of course transporting the huge logs. I suppose we could always get Zombie-Andre the Giant to do that, but that’s like using a kryptonite robot to shoot Superman with a gun.

Solution #3: Martian Space Colony
If all else fails, there’s really only one weakness that remains in our underwater nemeses. Whales breathe oxygen. This means they can’t swim in outer space. While they may be able to reach the stratosphere, they’ll be so out of breathe by the time they hit the moon that there’s no chance of making it to Mars. Space whales, of course, are the lone exception to this rule.

They're watching us

Hopefully this has been an informational Public Service Announcement. I know I learned a lot. It can’t compete with the usefulness of So, You Have Face-Syphilis Again but then, what PSA can?

-Ryan